The Year in Brief
Beginning
in 1979, I kept a journal of the humiliations of puberty. In 1983 I navigated
the halls of middle school in glasses and a 32D bra. I was a lonely child.
I hung out with my twin brother and a group of boys who played Dungeons
and Dragons. The entries in my diary from that year were miserable poems
to Van Gogh and butterflies, "self-checks," drawings of mermaids
and mulleted fairies-- all scribbled down before the dreaded math homework.
Then, in the fall of that year, I went to high school and blossomed.
Jockeying for Position
January 19th, 1983
Let’s start here: Mike Mitchell has been bothering me. A couple of days ago he wrote A + M on my science book. Thank God it was in pencil! He keeps asking me if I’ve been out with anyone and when I won’t answer him he says disgusting things about incest with my brother. Why can’t somebody nice like me?
January 20th, 1983
There are only three groups in school: the scums, the middles and the populars. I’ve decided to try to go to the populars, but I’ve got to be aggressive about it.
The Halls
are Alive
March 15th, 1983
I don’t know if I told you this or not, but we’re doing The Sound of Music this year. I saw the movie and hated it! I’m Maria, and I’ve got to sing with a bunch of seventh graders like they are children. I’ve got to be sunny. I don’t think I’m a perfect human being.
March 18th, 1983
I got my new glasses yesterday, and they’re much stronger. My eye is starting to turn in again. I hope it has nothing to do with my new glasses.
March 23, 1983
Don’t you hate it when you fall at school and everybody laughs, and you know you should laugh, too, but it hurts so badly you feel like crying?
A Summer
Crush on the Choir Director
June 14th, 1983
Seeing that last year’s summer was utterly boring, I did some things this summer to busy myself. I signed up for choir. All I can really get upset about are my asthma attacks from the ozone. And how bored I am.
Whateverith, 1983
I must say I’m thinking stupid things and being a bit dramatic, developing a slight English accent. And by the by, that guy’s name is Steve or Scott. I’ll just stick with Mr. Whittle to be safe. What’s in a name? For a rose by any other name…he does smell sweet. He wears Ralph Lauren Polo (Oh! How statusy!)
July 13th, 1983
I wish I could stop making an ass of myself. Nobody gets my jokes except R. Beware of people with that sense of humor. I’m working hard to not make jokes or sound profound in public.
The Fag Hag is Born
July 22, 1983
I think my best friend is gay. That’s probably why we get along so well. It’s too hard to be friends with a girl. And it’s harder to be friends with straight guys, who’ll always think you’re coming onto them. And then if you find a neat guy who’s straight, you start wanting them to come onto you, and there goes the friendship.
I turned fourteen a few days ago. Fourteen has a nice ring to it. If you listen carefully you can hear high-school.
A Crush Dispelled
September 6th, 1983
When I read what I wrote about K. last year it makes me laugh! What I mean is he’s an insecure Nerd. (I have chosen the exact words just for this occasion!) He totally ignores me at school, but on weekends I’m just fine for him. Well, he can just piss off with a knee in his groin as far as I’m concerned!
Current Events
September 7th 1983
Reagan made an ass of himself on the TV Monday night. He said the USSR totally ignored human rights and that he wasn’t surprised by them evading the truth. He’s so self-righteous. He’d rather nuke them commie bastards. Y’know, be free or be dead, that type of thing.
Trouble
September 9th, 1983
I think I’m in trouble. It started innocently enough. I went to school with Mary to get her German textbook and He looked me in the eye. I thought he was handsome, kind of like John Boy Walton, and forgot about it. The next day I saw him in Drama staff where he took attendance. When he called my name he smiled at me. I went shopping with Mom at Jewel and he was working there. He said Hi. Then I kept running into him. Jon tells Mom I’m flirting.
It’s been ten days since I wrote that, and I’ll tell you what’s happened. The next day he carried my books to the bus. That was a little fake, but he seemed sincere. He laughed at my stupid jokes. At least Mom likes him. I know Mary thinks he’s a dork. But she thinks any boy except Jon is a dork. Everybody says he’s a jerk, but I don’t see why they say that.
Easily Won
September 20th, 1983
He gave me a carnation on Friday. It’s really bright red, and it’s beautiful. I wanted it in my bedroom, because it’s mine. Mom wants it on a vase on the kitchen table. Now it feels like it’s on public display. I hate that. She’s always bringing him up at dinner and stuff.
Finally Popular
September 20th 1983
This is Allyson Shaw coming to you live from Bed. I didn’t do my geometry and I might get in trouble. Depression has set in. I got a C on that biology test and an F on the World History test. 75% of the class flunked it. I should make a list of acquaintances. In order to be an acquaintance, you must meet this minimum requirement: respond to casual greeting in hall or any other part of school building.
Jill, Kristen, Melody, Sandra, Sandy, Laura, Gina, Michelle, Lisa, Steve, Don, Debbie, Rose Marie, Dona, Lisa B., Beth, Sue, Elaine, Ellen, Tracy, Helen, Hae Sin, Jim, Margie, Cindy, David, Mona, Kate, Brian, Jeff and Hank. I’m sure you’re having fun just reading this list of names. If I think of any more or meet any new acquaintances, I’ll let you know.
Real Trouble
September 21, 1983
Everybody laughs at what an fool I am. That’s right. A fool. He’s ignoring me.
I was fool enough to think he really liked me. He’s scrawny, anyway.
September 22, 1983
Life’s better. He actually talked to me today! Fickle weirdo.
October 19th, 1983
I went
to the zoo with the Theatre clique. He asked me to Homecoming by the baboon
cage (how romantic!). I gave him a peck on the cheek and then it all started.
We were nearly inseparable. He held my hand in the nocturnal animal house.
A few days later he kissed me when we were alone in his car. I wasn’t
sure I liked it, but now I’m pretty sure I did. Then he gave me what
you call a French Kiss. I know I didn’t like that. It was so wet.
Do I love him? I wish I did.
He bought me five carnations last Friday. One of each color. Red, pink, white, peach and pink-white. I take it back that he’s wimpy. Lori, Melodie and Michelle say I’m slutty now.
Vocabulary Lessons
I’m going to keep a list of words, starting at the beginning of the dictionary
Abortion
Abscess
Abyss
Adonis
Agnostic
Alabaster
Amazon
Americanism
Americanize
Ammunition
November 23, 1983
I broke up with B. a long time ago. But deep inside I still like him. It’s totally sour. He spends his time flirting with other girls in front of me. I just stopped meeting him in the morning. The first morning I didn’t meet him he looked all over for me, at least that’s what people told me. Mom was really happy when I left him. She said he was embarrassing for her and she never mentioned it to anyone. I wish he spelled his name with an i. I wish he’d never wear that damn hat that’s so ugly. And those ugly jeans. I wish he liked Monty Python and Pink Floyd. I wish I hadn’t trusted him, because he just wanted to neck with me in his car. Did I tell you I got a part in the play? I’m the maid and we’re doing Annie. We got a standing ovation for every performance. The only good thing about the play being over is I don’t have to see him anymore. I saved all the dried up carnations and when I went to rearrange them spiders crawled out. I’ll live. I feel like the biggest slut. Here’s a good excuse: I’ve been brainwashed by sexist society. How’s that one? I wish I hadn’t kissed him at all.
The Onset of Radical Consciousness
November 23rd, 1983
You know what I can’t stand? It’s people who call Thanksgiving "Turkey Day." It makes me nauseous. Now I know if I actually go out with a guy he has to be a radical. There’s this football player who reads the announcements in the morning. We talk about Marxism once in a while. He let me borrow an Aztec Camera tape, and he says hi to me in the hall. Sometimes he even walks with me. Melodie told me that he said in front of a bunch of people that I was really talented and could do anything I wanted, even direct music videos. Some day I will live in San Francisco, the Land of Radicals. I’m trying out for the Mime Troupe Tuesday. I actually acted my age today, instead of a scum going through puberty, and it was great.